Permanently Labelled
I hear the hands of society unceasingly turning the knob,
The illumination of the highest magnification scorching my searching eyes,
I am a deer caught in the headlight, for an act no longer my assumed job,
But to them, I am unconditionally fashioning a guise.
A microscope scientifically examining the breadth of my every breath,
Seeking clues to rediscover the fragments of the girl I once was,
Even years and miles and seas apart from my anorexia’s death,
To them, an ancient obsession is blanketed under my newfound cause.
This is the plight I will endure today and tomorrow,
Suffocating from an external perception that I will never solidly be recovered,
But after all the dawns after the darkness, after all the fortitude through the sorrow,
Why do they remain firm that lasting strength is a commodity I have left undiscovered?
Difficult is an understatement, I have worked tirelessly to come this far,
Accept my transformation for what it is, a heartfelt realization of my worth....
Don’t believe that I’ve changed? Look at how I embrace my stretch marks as beautiful scars!
So please stop viewing me as a tumultuous specimen uprooted on this earth.
As much as it is frustrating, I have also come to learn
That this infinite inspection is merely concern stemmed from seeds of love,
Those closest may fall under the faulty mindset that Simran v. Anorexia is a case that may never adjourn,
But in my heart, I feel the victory with every bite & triumph, and that reigns above.
To those recovered: this is a story of our shared fight,
Regardless of the judgment society brandishes us with, making us permanently labelled,
We must move forward, rekindling our collective intrinsic light,
For only then will we be freed from the unquiet mind of the mentally disabled.
To those who ever feel frustrated because they are treated like they are still sick; because their present accomplishments are measured by their past; and because, despite all the heart & soul they have poured into recovery, they feel like their progress is always left unacknowledged: This is a truth concomitant to life after recovery. Unfortunately, there is no solution to changing the way others perceive you and your actions. You have no control over their thoughts, no matter how much you may want to. However, you have control over the way you respond to their unconscious judgements. Letting it go, not starting a world war every time you catch someone hovering, takes unbelievable strength and patience. In the end, all that matters is that you truly know you are recovered. And if you know your battle has paid off, no assumptions regarding your behavior have substance. Your mind knows the truth, and only you know your mind.
Artwork by Kiran Sampath